Confusion

Confusion by definition or at least the definition I like from dictionary.com is perplexity; bewilderment. So I am confused I don’t really have a true direction right now. Just kind of wading in the water allowing life’s current to move me about. Personal life man that’s cool I feel like I have been a better friend on all accounts a better family member as well. I will talk about the love life a little later. Career is, o my, “where is this thing going?” I don’t see the clear path which is where the bewilderment comes in. It’s like I am receiving a check to do something that is really not that hard or time consuming.  The job does not require great deal of effort nor a whole lot of training. I just come in do my thing and go home. To me that is not that rewarding. My paycheck to me is not a reward that’s a requirement. So what’s really good? I speak to my manager, “what do you think there is for one to do with my background here?” No suggestions for upward movement just lateral and that’s not too promising. Being that I work for the great and all knowing no one really moves up because, “If someone leaves we just go out and hire the next best person, and most of the time that usually is not from with in.” Well red flag raises guess I better look to more education but really what the hell I like so many things Law, Politics, Electronics, Computers, Wireless Communications, Counseling, and Business Management. Shit where in the hell could I do all of this and if I did I would be in school for the next century. I have still yet to choose a path. Again Bewilderment.  I think school is an option and to keep actively looking for something else. But even then what do I go back for? Perplexity. Now for the big one love life. Exactly what is going on here? I honestly felt like a few months ago I knew. There is much pressure involved in my life it seems that pressure is not coming from outside sources but primarily me. I subconsciously don’t want to hit the mold that everyone wants me too. Its almost like you need an organ but your body rejects it. Nothing is wrong with the organ, it passes the entire test and meets all the requirements however your body just rejects it. Don’t go too far with that, that is a very lose comparison. How does one know when you have the right person? I have asked this question more times to, too many married people and no one can give me a good answer. I have had a handful of great women in my life that all had good qualities for a wife. What makes you know when you got that one?  Is it you always think you want to hold out thinking you might find better?  I feel like I should not have this question. The most common answer I received is you just know. This is a red flag because I am like o shit, me just knowing does not sound good. I just don’t know what to think, this shit seems all so simple but yet so confusing. I was once told not to look at what you are losing but what you gain. I feel like I am trying to be something someone wants me to be opposed to just being me. Is it not natural to lust, want to chase women, fornicate?  It is natural to want to do write by someone but what if doing write by them is deigning you. Can you really just sit out of marriage like it’s a game of sorts until you can play it at the professional level, meaning do right by your vows, live with your mate?  If you do fall in the, "I am not ready category" do you truly ever get ready or do we use this as a crutch to keep from getting married. Clearly I am perplexed and bewildered.

I once listened to a Scarface aka Brad Johnson track that said “A man's life without focus will drive him insane”  I hope I find focus because the insane part is not optional